I’ve been erm-ing and ah-ing about this post for about a week. It’s something that I’m feeling quite vulnerable about and reality was not what I thought it was. I’ve decided to write this because this is part of my journey and in the process perhaps what I say down below; do within this project and beyond, connects with someone somewhere and they too can be inspired- not too change who they are but to be the best version of themselves.
I always thoughts of myself as someone relatively fit and healthy. Yes, I may be in the overweight category but I’ve worked hard to get to a point where I feel comfortable. I thought I had ‘won’ over negative self image and self-talk.
One night this week, H and I decided to pull out the scale from under the bed, we were just curious as to what we weighed. I was all for it, it was just for fun, we also had just finished a great session at Crossfit- I was feeling strong!
I jumped on the scale.
Shock became denial. Denial became shame. Shame turned into hopelessness. How the heck did I put on at least 10Kg! The hand of reality tossed me into the air and them slammed me down into the ground so hard that I didn’t know which way was up!
For the next few days I was in a ‘funny’ mood- not funny-haha. I was dreading the weekend which was when we we’re going to do the DEXA scan. Through out the week H was trying to help me brush it off by reminding me how much stronger I had gotten. A part of me wanted to take things that he said and be OK with it, another part of me just wanted to…..scream and cry, eat doughnuts till I die; another part was just peeved and refuse to accept it at all.
Things couldn’t get any worse right?
Saturday rolled around. We had the DEXA scan done and the test WOD. The scan was first, again, I contemplated about putting my results on here. As much as it is making me feel self-conscious, here are the important bits of information:
Total Weight: 80.4Kg
Fat Free Mass: 49Kg
Body Fat Mass: 31.4Kg
Body Fat Percentage: 39%
When I got the print out, I was gritting my teeth. As I sat on the ground waiting for the test WOD to commence, I have never felt so low about how I looked or how much I weighed. I was feeling so low that I just wanted to go home curl under the covers and be a burrito. I did stay for the test WOD but I was so distracted that I didn’t do particularly well, I fact I completed the test WOD almost a minute over the time cap.
Today, I decided to do the jeans test and take the photos. My Polaroid idea didn’t work- what a bummer but I took some photos anyway. Once that was done, I did the jeans test. The jeans I picked was a ‘no stretch’ pair, as I pulled them up, I expected them to be tight, but not as tight as they were.
My jeans didn’t do up. The zip didn’t do up, let alone the button. This happening reiterated to me how much this project means. The stakes have just been increase, I have a lot more to prove, not to anyone else but me.
I had always thoughts that nutrition was what I struggled with the most but these recent events have shown me that this belief is not particularly accurate.
What I struggle with is self-worth and in turn self-belief.
How can I successfully apply principles of nutrition and exercise when I don’t believe that I deserve it or can do it? It’s like building a mansion on quicksand.
If I spend all day beating myself up or putting myself down how will I be able to find the energy and focus on loving myself, nurturing myself or building myself?
If I didn’t focus on loving, nurturing and building I’m doomed before I start.
Side note: I didn’t plan on writing about this, it’s arrived here organically as I write about my recent experiences and thoughts.
So perhaps this is my core focus of Operation Optimize:
Love, nurture, build
This post wasn’t intended to be heavy, but today, instead of masking or brushing off what hurts with humour or other subjects, I wanted to document my present being- thoughts, emotions, all of it. I don’t feel 100% right now, but I know I’ll pick up sooner or later (preferably sooner).
I’m a person who likes to have solutions to problems, who tweaks processes so that they when executed are perfect or yield expected results. So it is a strange feeling to be unable to do any of that because I don’t know what the best solution is.
I expected to discover and learn about myself through the process but I didn’t expect it to be so soon and in my face!
Stick around to see what happens.
Till next time, love yourself!