What is Right Now and Who I am

There are days were I feel completely on top of the word, feel beautiful, feel strong. Then there are days when I feel disgusting, ugly- a blob; I let all the old self-talk beat me down and tear me completely apart, all there is left a trembling, uncontrollable little girl, completely raw- back to primary school when I was teased, told to put the fork down, cheeks pinched, called ‘chubby’ and my wobbly middle poked. All because of my weight.

Even though I am stronger than ever, I still remember that little girl- I still feel the hurt, embarrassment, shame and guilt. This does not mean I am weak, on the contrary. I am honouring a part of me, that little girl, by being with her, perhaps even giving her a hug and reminding her all the beautiful qualities she has. The key is what to do AFTER, in order to move forward and continue to grow.

Sometimes (this is one of those times…right now as I write this) when I am feeling this way, it gets a little overwhelming, it clouds me from me. I watch myself dim and lose my sparkle- how frustrating it is especially when I know exactly what it is that will help me reboot and get my zest for life back.

I don’t mean to sound drastic, but I have been down a long way in a pit with no way out. In the last year, I have managed to get myself out of that pit. It took persistence and every ounce of will to claw my way out of the pit and all my self-belief to keep moving away from it. It is also helpful with beautiful people who have lent their support, even unconsciously.

When I feel low, an overwhelming feeling of despair comes over me. This is when I feel myself getting pulled back into the pit, my fingertips are just on the edge.

This is the point when I choose- Do I let go and fall back into the pit or do I fight and pull myself out?

Today I chose to pull myself out. I had been dangling by my finger tips for close to a month.

Perhaps the shift happened because I was away from home. Perhaps it was the solitude that I needed (solitude from personal connections) to refocus the energy and maximise it for healing and growth.

The first thing I did when I arrived in Port Hedland was to check out my accommodation. Realising that I was located near the beach, what I needed to do to support me became clear as day!

Bubbling with anticipation of heading to the beach, I went to the supermarket to buy some food for the week and other essentials. After putting the food away, I googled for a local gym and found one 3 mins down the road. I did a quick workout to get a feel of the gym (which was akin to a home gym). As I lifted, I started to feel strong again, like who I was meant to be.  I left the gym feeling energised and headed home (the unit) dropping off my gear and walked to down to the beach.

The grains were coarser than what I was used to but the feel of it between my toes was what I needed. I went for a quick walk and could feel myself beaming. The tide was out but water was lapping softly. I couldn’t resist and dipped my toes in- it was warm!

As I walked, I stumbled upon unusual shells that I picked up to take home on loan, intending to return them upon my departure. As I write this, I am seeing flashes of what I saw and felt, the texture of the sand, the warmth of the water, the imprints created by the waves on the sand. I can’t help but feel this lightness.

The combination of training and the beach helped me get to a place where I feel happy, there is a level of healing which also allowed for acceptance of what is right now that exists with who I am.

What do you do to regain your sparkle?

Min xx

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